"the flop is hardest before the slay"
40 lessons I learned leading up to my 40th birthday
I would label the last year of my 30s as part of my “flop” era.
The title of this post is taken from a line in this wonderfully enlightening article that spoke to me, a millennial woman who just entered her new decade.
While I was thinking of a good “hook” title for this post, I initially thought “40 nuggets of wisdom: from a millennial in her flop era” inspired by Alexa Chung’s Vogue article, would be appropriate. Until I clicked on the link the model referenced, which lead me to an article titled “It’s Time That We Started Embracing Our Flop Eras” by Daisy Jones, then it dawned on me that the above statement best sums up the entire last year of my 30s.
Though Alexa Chung is on an entirely different level when it comes to fashion and influence, I do feel inspired by her successes and je ne sais quoi that has been my Roman empire since the mid 2010s. The fact that we were born in the 80s, grew up in the 90s and entered early adulthood during the aughts made me feel so endeared to her, though she is absolutely, in a league of her own. In a word, she is “goals.”
The 40 things I learned leading up to a new decade resulted from lessons learned through the flops that I am actually grateful for and eventually embraced.
Singing band songs for karaoke is fucking difficult, but you are so brave for taking that microphone anyway.
There is always going to be someone who hates/dislikes/resents you. You will probably never know the reason why. They probably don’t know the reason why. And that’s okay. Not everyone will like you, no matter how kind and accommodating you are to them. But don’t take it personally; there are many others who will appreciate you for who you really are.
Value your “me time” and intentionally carve some time for yourself.
If you have a round face shape and full cheeks, you can definitely pull off a short bob with a middle part.
You will still get acne, whether you are 14 or 24 or 44 or even 64, so…
…seek out a trustworthy dermatologist. It will be the best money you spend on yourself.
You should absolutely change your hair color at least once in your life to a wild color; pink, blue, green, purple, blonde…just do it. Go for it.
Blue hair is stunning. Be prepared though, because it gets everywhere.
Get piercings if you want. I can’t speak for tattoos because I don’t have any, but if you want to express yourself with body art/modification, do it, as long as you do your research and you trust the person holding the needle.
Bringing a small purse while traveling alongside a carry on bag was the best thing I’ve ever started doing in my 30s.
Resist the Resistance no matter what people say or do.
Invest in a very nice, warm, quality overcoat.
Feeling envy, or competitiveness is a double edged sword. It can fuel your motivation and goals, and a healthy amount of it is good for you. But too much of it can beat you down.
Your timeline is your own; just because you’re on a different pacing than others doesn’t mean it is wrong, or right. Accept the journey you’re on now…
…because it is never about the journey. That is a lie. It is ALL about the destination.
Shoes can make a huge difference in your outfit. Whether it’s pointy toed or a long toe-box shape, it will make your worn, slouchy Levi’s look chic and put together.
It’s probably not a good idea to blind buy hats if you’re new to purchasing them, because your head size may be completely different from what you anticipated.
It’s okay to be afraid of failure. The scariest decisions I’ve made were done in the throes of fear. It is difficult at times, and overwhelming. But I have never regretted the choices I made during this time.
When you feel the itch to create and share, just go for it. The content I am most proud of are the ones taken on an iPhone on a whim for a 5-10 second reel.
Over the past four years I’ve collected a fair number of handbags, but in rain or snow, I always reach for my Longchamp Le Pliage tote.
They say it is so much easier to build a business when you’re in your 20s and 30s. Now I understand the reason. It’s not just because of time to bounce back if it doesn’t work out. It’s not just because of family and responsibilities; I know plenty of twenty something year olds who have a spouse, and/or children. It’s because as we get older, we get more jaded and cynical with red tape, dealing with people, we have a “fuck this!” mentality and it’s so much easier to settle into the duvet and scroll through mindless TikTok videos while eating Hot Cheetos and not deal with the bullshit. The good news is, it is entirely, 100% possible to deal with it.
Cashmere socks are a win when it comes to keeping your feet warm and toasty.
Not all vintage tees are single stitch, and not every single stitch t shirt is vintage.
Make a list on your Notes app (or something similar) if you feel overwhelmed by consumerism and trends.
It’s okay if you don’t read a book from cover to cover; I find it is actually fun to read by jumping from one book to the next and then getting back to the previous book a while later.
Before you start a business it’s less stressful if you have at least 3 months’ worth of expenses saved up (and keep the funds in your personal account separate).
I had a lot of insecurities with my body growing up, but my deepest insecurity was my round face. I tried to “slim” it down with my hair (which was always long), attempted contouring (failed miserably), and after all these years, I realize now that my full cheeks were my best features of my 20s and 30s.
Oils work better than creams and lotions for chronically dry hands and fingers.
It helps to be kind to strangers.
Always have sunscreen and lip balm on hand.
Having a small closet space really helped me weed out the clothes I outgrew vs the ones I wanted to keep. Though it would be nice to have an aesthetically beautiful closet, it’s also nice to know that my closet space houses clothes I love to wear.
Networking is so crucial. I never realized how important it was to network until this past year. Some of my harshest critics in the workplace and many of the most uplifting individuals (all of them intelligent, gifted women of color) taught me valuable lessons on wealth and freedom.
If you have a friend who makes everything about themselves (even something important to you), reconsider if you want to give them any more of your time. There are other people out there who value you.
Drinking hot water with lemon before coffee makes a nice difference in the morning.
Don’t forget to reward yourself from time to time. I am always happy when I’m treating myself to an iced matcha and a croissant on a Saturday morning at a local coffee shop. Create a happy routine for yourself on a day off.
Wear what makes you happy. Quiet luxury, loud luxury, minimalism, maximalism, don’t let these trends put limits on your personal style.
You can do so much with the right pair of straight jeans, basic white tee, and an oversized cashmere sweater. Accessorizing with a quirky pair of earrings, a cool bag, or a pretty hat will breathe life into any outfit.
Blind buying perfume is a risk I will never take again.
Though I admire red lips on others, I find them to be a bit intimidating to wear for myself. Gradually transitioning from a balm to gloss, and then satin to a velvety texture is super helpful. One of my favorites is the Glossier Generation G sheer matte lipstick in “Zip” because it made wearing a pop of color fun, buildable and easy.
If you work with kids, or are around a lot of little ones, consider carrying around a pair of ear plugs. I promise you will still be able to hear the noise around you and your eardrums will be protected. We all know to protect our ears when we go to concerns or events, but no one ever talks about gradual hearing loss when you are around screaming children. But it happens to educators, nurses and parents. Even if you don’t work with children, they’re nice to have when you just want some peace and quiet.
what a perfect list. thank you for sharing!
Both inspiring and funny! And I’ll keep some in mind as Im starting my 30s 😊💙