last November I fulfilled a wish and bought my dream handbag

this brand name may be familiar to you

I’m not exaggerating when I say that it is the literal handbag of my dreams.

Here is my confession:

I am crazy about purses.

I don’t know if I “inherited” this passion, though I know that my paternal grandmother also loves collecting handbags (she did gift me my first Chanel, a Cambon bowler bag, when I was in my 20s). But over the years, I have had the privilege of carrying a Loewe here, a Celine there, and… oh, wait…is that the new Bottega?

Love.

In late September, when I got the notification in my email inbox that phoebephilo.com will open on the 30th of October, I celebrated in my head (FINALLY!) which was followed by that sinking feeling when you know what you want the most is out of reach (I can’t afford it).

Nevertheless, I could hope (and dream), and the least I could do is admire from afar.

Fast forward to that first drop and my jaw literally fall open at the price point. I “x” out of the browser and give myself praise for not succumbing to temptation by putting it on a credit card that would (no doubt) take months to pay off, including interest. I do not know if there will be a re-release. And though I feel proud of walking away, I do feel a pang of envy when I eventually see how well it looks on the social media influencers that styled the very purse I was coveting. Because within 48 hours, most of the handbags had already sold out.

“A1 second delivery will be available from November 28, 2023…”

By the time November rolled around, I was in a much better place financially and mentally. I promised myself because I worked hard, that I deserved a gift, and since we had recently reached a milestone in our business, that I will buy something nice to celebrate. In the form of a luxury item.

When I received this second notification email on November 21, preparations were made.

I double and triple checked my budget, gave a prayer of thanks to God for keeping me grounded and level headed. I usually don’t get swept up in pre holiday shopping trips, and this year was no different. I told myself that a Cartier watch and the beautiful sleek Row bag will have to wait another season (or year or two?).

I will buy myself a Phoebe Philo purse.

Problem was, I had no idea when the drop would happen.

And I knew exactly what I wanted to buy.

What if it sells out?

The drop will happen around 8:00 AM, because that’s when people usually are up for work. Besides, the first drop went live just after 8:00 AM.

The night before the re-release I had a dream that I bought this purse. Like I literally dreamt about it.

I am losing my mind, it’s just a stupid purse. Why am I losing sleep over this?

The next morning, 8:00 AM rolled around, and I was ready at my computer, my index and middle fingers poised at the touchpad.

No drop.

I have a scheduled session starting at 8:30 AM, so I shut my laptop, carry it under my arm and to our car.

The next seven hours consisted of me completing my sessions, walking over to my car, and refreshing the website two, three, four times before cursing under my breath and starting the engine to head over to the next client’s residence.

The drop will happen in the evening.

I tried to relax.

It’s just a stupid purse.

2:02 PM

I refresh the phoebephilo.com website one more time before I close my laptop for the hour, when I see the page load with its brand logo and the “MENU” on the upper left hand corner. My heart does a small leap.

It’s happening!

I quickly “ADD TO BAG” before I am prompted to create an account.

What the fuck?

My fingers fly over the keyboard (I am grateful for my 100+ WPM typing speed), but my hotspot is spotty, so there are lags, and but wait, the account has been closed?

WHAT THE FUCK?

I close my laptop and switch to my iPhone. This one at least confirms that my account has been made. Screw the computer. I’ll buy it off my iPhone.

I tap through the prompts before I need to enter my credit card information. Until the “Fraud alert” is triggered on my credit card and the payment is declined.

Let’s try this again.

Confirm “yes” (I authorized this purchase) and just calm down.

My heart is beating furiously. My breaths become shallow.

I lost sleep over this purse. I dreamt about it. I am not losing out on this now.

Another “Fraud alert” triggered. Forget the phone. Try again with the computer.

I enter in my credit card information (for the third time) and this time, my payment is pending.

Yes!

I walk into the session happily¹, at peace that the bag is secured.

After the session ends, in the safety of my car I check my phone again and discover that I actually bought TWO bags.

Oh no.

I call customer service and a guy with a British accent confirms that there are two pending payments, but no worries, he will cancel one of them. I thank him and hang up.

At home that night, I check my credit card account. Hmm. No pending charge? How weird.

No email confirmation either.

The next morning I realize that both pending payments were canceled.

He canceled both charges.

I quickly check the website and see that the purse is still available.

I go through the whole process all over again.

This time, it goes through. The payment has been processed. The confirmation email follows.

I sigh. It’s meant to be. I secured the bag (for real this time).

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Social media changed the game when it came to consumerism. Trends come and go; what was “in” one season is quickly replaced by another viral trend mere months (or even weeks) later. Consumer culture is a rat race to the top, only to realize it is a slippery slope to reach the apex.

The better part of 2023 was filled with what constitutes “quiet luxury” vs “loud.”

Is the Birkin bag still considered “quiet”?

After all, everyone and their mothers and grandmothers can recognize the iconic hardware, that gorgeous structure, its familiar top handles.

My new Phoebe Philo bag is the epitome of “quiet luxury” but the entire process of obtaining one for myself was anything BUT quiet. It was anxiety inducing, inner chaotic moments full of frustrations and (very minor) setbacks that put me in an internal frenzy.

I built up this hype of obtaining the item of luxury in my own head to the point where I lost sleep over it.

So I can’t judge people who stand in line for hours and hours to try a cup of coffee at that *one* place that everyone goes to. Neither can I judge people for panic buying something that sells out minutes after it goes live.

Social media is here to stay. Viral trends are ubiquitous. How do we navigate these waters without losing sight of what is most important to us? Like quality time with friends, families, fur babies?

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Layers with a pop of red for a Sunday OOTD | Knit by Reformation | Cashmere socks by COS | Denim by Levi's | Purse by Phoebe Philo

I named my substack “quiet luxuries” because there are luxuries in life that are small and often unnoticed. I want to use this platform to remind myself (and readers) that quiet luxuries are not only tangible, but also felt, seen, heard, and read. At least to me, they are. As an introvert (INFJ to be exact), I retreat my quiet place, whether it is the comfort of my own bed or the safety of my own thoughts to refresh, reconsider, and reenergize. And in this process, I feel sparks of joy in my life, the things and people I am grateful for, only to lose sight of truly valuable things in my pursuit of what is “trendy” and “viral.”

I need this. No, I want it.

I want to be mindful of my choices and not be swept away by the current of what everyone else is getting or even desiring.

Because in my pursuit of the handbag, I did get swept away. Am I happy with my purchase? Yes. Was it worth the mental stress? No.

And I hope that going into the new year, not only will I be able to better re-center my focus on true luxuries that life has to offer, I hope I am eloquent enough to share them with you.

1. The car is the worst office space one could ask for.